The Price of a Wedding

Who can put a price on a lifetime of marital bliss, and what determines it? A grand wedding that is bound to have relatives and friends talking about it for weeks?

As I read the following article posted on Facebook, I felt sad and it further steeled my resolve to focus on the things that mattered more. It also affirms my decision to be a self-sufficient and DIY bride. No funding from either set of parents, no loans, no debts. Every month, Jeremiah and I would deposit a certain amount of money into our joint account to save up for our big day, and thereafter, for our future home.

Dream $110k wedding ends in debt:

http://news.omy.sg/News/Local-News/Dream-110k-wedding-ends-in-debt-232671

We have long decided that we would have a wedding that is within our means and more importantly, a special day filled with the presence of our family members and loved ones, without any obligations of monetary gifts. The precious time guests take out to celebrate with us a new phase in our lives means more than any gifts they could bring us.

I am definitely not saying that having a grand wedding is wrong, but it is very important to plan a wedding within one's means. For us, we are both enjoying the process of saving up for our own wedding; doing it together makes the whole event more meaningful, as it is marks the beginning of our lifelong partnership, cleaving from our parents and making it on our own as a new family unit.

Having said all that, life is not always a bed of roses. We had our contentious moments, but it only propels us to be more creative in resolving our issues, and in the process become more empathetic and loving towards each other.

Of organza flowers and life

A nondescript evening at home with the sound of tv in the background and the fan humming quietly away. Mum sat down at the kitchen table next to me, curious about the box that I had placed on the table. It was my "bridal box"; a clear, rectangular plastic box that contained scraps and materials that might come in handy for my bridal D.I.Y. projects, as well as some flora and beaded hairpins.

Giving her a bored look, I told her that I was trying to make something out of those strips of organza cloth which was the result of an abandoned D.I.Y. project almost 7 years ago. It was meant to be made into drawstring bags which never happened. One of the reasons why it never happened was because I was never any good at sewing.

Mum suggested that I tread the needle in-and-out and then scrunch it together. It came out looking ok but I started to improvise and improve. It got better with practice and soon started to look good. I was soon immersed in it, with the humming sound of the fan as my companion, while mum left me to go about her household chores.

It was a very enjoyable experience, learning to be comfortable with a needle and thread. Almost like a child learning to be just a little bit more independent.

When mum was done with her chores, she sat down next to me once again. Seeing the untidy and haphazard way I sewed and tied the thread, she taught me how to tie a secure knot at the end of it. It was rather easy but I just kept forgetting. Every time that happened, she would patiently take over and demonstrate to me once again. Warmth trickled down my whole being like melted honey, sweet, warm and filled with bliss.

At the same time, I felt a little chocked up. Suddenly, I could see the lines on my mother's face and the veins on the back of her weathered hands more clearly than ever. I realised that life has almost come a full circle. Tonight, at the kitchen table, it was not only about organza flowers. It was also about preparing to be a bride, and learning the ropes of a wife and a mother.

I know that my mum was not a born perfect mother but she learnt and she tried her best to be one. In a few years, I will be in her shoes. I know it is a little scary to think about it right now and it sounds like a humongous role but like my mum, I know that I will give it my best shot.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Parents rarely let go of their children, so children let go of them. They move on. They move away. The moments that used to define them - a mother's approval, a father's nod - are all covered by moments of their own accomplishments. It is not until much later, as skin sags and the heart weakens, that the children understand; their stories, and all their accomplishments, sit atop the stories of their mothers and fathers, stones upon stones, beneath the waters of their lives.
- Mitch Albom, The Five People You Meet In Heaven

Of self-discovery and changes

I have learnt something in the past few months since Himself popped the question and I said "yes":

Preparing and getting married is a chapter in our lives, and how it is in itself a journey of self-discovery and change. For example, Germs told me how she finds her sister, Fiona, is being fickle-minded when it comes to her wedding, not knowing exactly what she wants. I think it is because Fiona is in a place where she is trying to find herself, the perfect gown, bridal shoes, or wedding settings that resonates with her.

Isn't it a phase in our adolescent years that we could all relate to? Finding our own identity in a world that can often proved exhilarating and overwhelming at the same time? Thumbing through one bridal magazine after another and working through all the myriad of bridal gowns are somewhat similar.

Also, I realised that beside coming to know myself better, I realised that we change and perhaps grow and evolve in the process too. I am so glad that I am given the luxury of time in this journey, to pay more attention to the things that happen and learn from it.

When I first embarked on this, I thought I wanted to something more childlike - braids and flowers in my hair. It has not changed, but it has evolved. I wanted a more womanly look with traces of childlikeness. Perhaps it was not the childlikeness that I was striving for, but the concept of being carefree with a subtle defiance, snubbing conventions and following one's heart. At the same time, I would like to be able to reflect femininity, soft but resilient.

This line of thought gradually caused me to explore more into Bohemian style. I now see myself wearing beaded brocade shoes rather than shoes with lace. I see the possibility of a head band made of lace and pearls instead of flowers set amongst a head of braids and long, flowing curls (which reminds me, I need to start growing out my hair!)

Some of the hairpieces that I really love (at this point in my life):

from http://wish-upon-a-wedding.com

Erica Elizabeth design Fall/Winter 2013

I am also started to be attracted to lace details and pearls:

http://www.stylemepretty.com

Vintage Lace Wedding Dress

I think I am currently into the idea of something between vintage and bohemian style. Still trying to "find myself" through all these explorations.

Not perfect but trying

To Himself:

Although I may be hard to get along at times and there may be times when I am hard to love, you were always ready to forgive and move on. Although there may be times when I felt that I could do with someone better than you and said mean things to hurt you, you still said that you love me even when your eyes were filling up and I could see the pain in them.

There were times when I wished that I was with someone richer and romantic, but I know that no riches in the world can buy me a good man. You may not have a lot of money but you always try to give me the best you could.

When my old laptop died on me, you gave me your MacBook Pro because you think that I needed it more than you and you did not want me to waste money. You reprogrammed everything in it with the applications registered to my name. You learnt to be contented with your iPad mini while I added your MacBook to my iPad 2 and smartphone. You gave me the best within your capabilities.

I wanted a romantic and beautiful wedding and I got mad that you wanted to simplify and cut costs so that more savings could go to our new home. I felt that you did not love me enough to make the wedding a memorable one but in fact, you wanted more than that. You wanted a home more than a wedding because you wanted a life with me together, not just one memorable day in our lives. I see it now.

There were times when you treated me like a dude, playfully punched my arm a little too hard and even nearly twisted my skinny wrist once, but that was only because you never had a girlfriend before and didn't know how to treat me right. You wanted your only girlfriend to be your wife and lover for life and I feel so privileged that you chose me, so that I may have you fully for myself, without having to share you with the ghosts and shadows of any ex-girlfriends.

You may not be very sensitive to my needs and preferences but I know you try, in your own "mannish" way, by getting me a portable phone charger and (pink) USB cables, so that I will never be out of touch when I am oceans away.

We are both often busy with our separate lives but you bought me little toys so that I will always bring a piece of you with me wherever I go, be it snowy Moscow or beautiful Maldives. You wanted to make sure that I was never alone even when I am far away from home or when I see less of you.

You would message me almost every day to say "I love you" and "I miss you". You would spam my phone with messages and Line stickers of worried Brown bear whenever I fell asleep and forgot to tell you that I have landed safely. Although there were times when I kicked up a fuss about seeing very little of you, I was never really far from your thoughts despite your busy schedule. I see it now.

I got really upset at you when I heard you snoring mid-coversation but thinking back, you had a late night talking to me on the phone the day before followed by a long day at work and a heavy dinner. It did not mean that you did not care for what I had to say, but that you wanted to spend time and be with me despite your hectic life and fatigue. I see it now.

I had been reading "Chicken Soup for the Soul - Happily Ever After" and I cried over some touching stories, gleaned wisdom from some and decided to take time for some self-reflection. Like the way some people described how their lives flashed before their eyes when they were on the brink of death, I saw our relationship danced before my eyes like filmstrips. They were still the same memories, but I saw them in a different light for the first time. Instead of critical eyes, I saw them through more empathetic and loving eyes. I see it all now.

Although some things still remain unchanged, like how I am moody and hard to love at times, and how your salary and savings are something I constantly fret about, I will make a conscious effort to be more loving and focus on the things that really matter. All the riches in the world would not buy me a good man, especially an exceptionally loving man that would reply "I love you" in response to a childish and spiteful comment of "I hate myself for choosing you."

Enough said. This loving and silly man, my future husband = you, is a priceless gem. I was too busy seeing the things that did not measure up that I failed to see the immense amount of treasures within you. Don't give up on me. I will learn to be a good wife to you, even if it takes me a lifetime.

Part 2: Learning to love better

Himself and I are no different from any couple that comes together. Being unique individuals, we are a relationship where similarities and differences harmonise and clash at the same time. In our case, we are more different than we are similar and it has caused us both a lot of pain at times.

Our recent disagreements only amplified how very different we are but in the midst of it all, we still find it in both our hearts to love and cherish each other. I shared with Merv that there were times when I resented being with Himself. My exact words were, "I think a part of me died when I got together with him."

Himself is a very pragmatic, predictable and steadfast person who would rather cut cost on the wedding and put more money into paying for our future home while I am a romantic at heart and love spontaneous moments. Spontaneous and unplanned encounters are like stolen moments in time - candid, precious and memorable. I think he killed off a little of that free-spirit in me over time.

I dream of a near future where we would do road trips in our travels and I would pack my wedding gown in the car trunk, capturing memorable and spontaneous moments wearing it. I imagine a future where we would travel to see northern lights and hug each other in the cold. My heart soared at these thoughts.

In reality, it will be hard for Himself to go away with me because of his commitment at work, to the church and his sheep, as well as his financial constraints. Also, he is never someone big on spontaneity, a quality which I dearly wished for in him at times.

I was lamenting to Merv how Himself would prefer a function room over a beautiful lawn for the sake of cost and pragmatism on our one and only wedding day. It broke my heart and I nearly cried when we discussed that last friday. No evergreen arcs, no rustic benches, no solemnisation under the sun.

It was made even worse when Himself said that he might want to use our wedding as an opportunity for some of our guests to come to know God. He had tentative plans of preaching at his own wedding. At that moment when he said that, I could feel myself collapsing inwards in horror. I wanted to run away from it all.

Merv listened through it all patiently and he then told me that he gave up his dream of getting married in a church so as to grant his wife her dream wedding, simply because he loves her, and he loves her more than his own dream wedding.

I kind of see his point but I still cannot help feeling sad and disappointed. Nonetheless, I am determined to work things through with Himself though, because I believe that we will emerge from this whole episode stronger and understanding each other's needs better.

In the midst of wedding planning, conflicts are bound to arise. I am learning to take it all in my stride and strive to be as creative with my solutions as possible. Staying positive is key.

An even more important lesson I learnt (although it is something so obvious but yet at times overlooked) is to continue to love your other half, even in the face of conflicts and disagreement. In the bigger scheme of life, the wedding day may be significant, but it is just a day in a lifetime of marriage.